Risk Warnings - How it Works
With most financial investments there is risk. Luckily we are clever and have thought of an investment which is totally safe.
Investing in marbles is secure and a really good thing to do. Plus, they are really pretty.
Our investment strategy is carefully designed to make you sack-fulls of money by exchanging your cash in return for shiny, glassy, marbles of the highest quality.
This Commodities Trading process serves lots of purposes as part of our long term guaranteed return promise:
- We give the marbles to children in poor countries to play with
- The children get to play with the marbles, increasing desirability, and therefore value.
- The best marbles (the match winners) increase in value even more.
The underpaid, idiotic tax-officers from rich countries like ours think the poor children are just playing games, just like normal children used to. So, they don't think you have hidden your money from them. But you have really, and we all snigger about it, drink the finest champers and smile while they are not looking.
When these poor, unwashed children grow up, they remember how nice we were in giving them shiny things. They are so grateful, that they let us cut down their trees to sell.
This helps to get rid of those horrible animals that make noise and mess and steal the bananas that we all like.
We then get to plant new Palm oil trees and make even more money.
Here's the science:
Because you have paid with marbles, no "money" has left your pocket and anything that comes back into your secret bank account is a "gift of thanks" from those nice children who have been playing with your marbles.
There is no tax due, EVER, because:
- Marbles cannot get jobs so there is no Income Tax due
- Marbles are shiny but do not grow. So there is no Capital Gains Tax Liability
- Marbles cannot die, so there will never be any Inheritance Tax.
And, if the worst happens and you actually lose your marbles we have a triple-lock guarantee:
- We can give you a nice framed picture of the marbles in their full shiny-ness so you can claim against your house insurance
- We can mug some children at a local school and empty their pockets while they put on their new Academy uniform
- We can torch a few native homes and melt the windows down into bigger, "ethic-style" marbles.
As you all know, marbles are made from glass.
Glass is transparent.
Your investment is transparent. In fact, crystal clear (but not the finest crystal, obviously)
There is no risk.
No risk whatsoever.
And if we do lose the odd million, we carry forward the loss to offset the rental income we charge Billy for use of the shed.
Ha ha. What a jolly jape - the sort that only clever, entitled people like us really understand.